Harper comes clean on Senate scandal

An excerpt from the convention speech Prime Minister Harper will deliver to CPC delegates on Friday:

I now turn from our Party’s great achievements and our plans for the next decade to offer a few words about this Senate business. In the last few weeks Canadians have watched the nightly news with growing incredulity. They have asked legitimate questions about the state of our Parliamentary democracy. They have grappled with who knew what when and who is telling the truth. They have asked: who can be trusted? On occasion, believe it or not, even I have been the object of their doubts.

My friends, let me be perfectly clear — no, let me be crystal clear — about this matter. I stand before you today to reveal that this seemingly sordid state of affairs has had a noble purpose all along. The simple truth is this: More than a year ago, the RCMP Commissioner presented me and several trusted advisors with the stunning news that both the Canadian Senate and the PMO had been infiltrated by malicious foreign interests who masqueraded as representatives and servants of the Canadian people. The Police asked for our co-operation in setting up an elaborate sting operation to root out and expose the evil-doers. Despite the adverse effect on the sterling reputation of our Conservative Party, which will be short-lived, we naturally agreed to do whatever we could to safeguard Canada’s precious democratic institutions.

To catch a spy, you must play the spy. That is why it was necessary to compile what the overly sensitive left-wing media likes to call an ‘enemies list’. That is why the Canada Revenue Agency has been quietly retaining and accessing the personal information of millions of so-called ordinary Canadians. That is why, with the assistance of the NSA in the United States, we have spent many enjoyable evenings listening in on even the most intimate personal conversations of the leaders of the other parties. And that is why, with the co-operation of our national cellular service providers, we will soon be monitoring the emails and phone calls of millions of potentially suspect Canadians to prevent further nefarious acts against the state. Of course, for reasons of national security, I have not been able to explain any of this before. Thank you all for your patience as I successfully beat back the irresponsible opposition parties over this matter in Question Period.

As a result of these bold initiatives of your Harper Government, those complicit in this diabolical effort to subvert process in the Senate and in my office have been run to ground. I can confirm that there are more than a few perpetrators, but fewer than 13. In the fullness of time, each and every one of these traitors will feel the full weight of Harper law. All Canadians now realize that no one is more focused on crime and criminals than our Party.

To anyone still wondering who puts the nation’s interests before petty political expediency, you now have your answer.

Air Canada loses special PMO cargo

For the third time in as many weeks, Air Canada has brought tears to those who prefer their cargo safely restrained in a cage.

This time the loss occurred in Bali, Indonesia, where Prime Minister Stephen Harper was attending the final day of the Asia-Pacific Economic Co-operation Summit. In a gesture intended to reinforce his support for the private sector, Harper opted to fly home via Air Canada rather than in his official government jet.

Air Canada spokesperson Bruno Gestetner said, “The Prime Minister was last seen on his way to the first class washroom. He was not in his seat as the flight crew prepared for take-off and despite our best efforts he has not been located. We deeply regret this incident. Given the gravity of the situation, we have offered a free hot sandwich to anyone who can locate the Prime Minister.”

The implications for the government of the country were not immediately clear, as Canada currently has no Deputy Prime Minister.

Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird was reported to have said, “Don’t panic. I’m in charge. I’ve instructed Peter Mackay to look into this as soon as he returns from his wild turkey hunting trip on Tuesday.”

No one from the Prime Minister’s Office was available for official comment on the eve of the Thanksgiving weekend. One distracted staff member did volunteer, however, that “all Canadians have so much to be grateful for this weekend.”

Dumpster diving yields PMO secrets

In the course of his daily research, a CTV News reporter discovered this extraordinary document from the Prime Minister’s Office.

The document, with marginal notes in Stephen Harper’s controlled hand, contains consecutive drafts of the opening paragraph of the Prime Minister’s planned remarks to the upcoming Conservative Party of Canada convention.

CPC Conv. Draft #1

My friends, chers amis. Before you stands a new man, a chastened man, a man humbled by the sad and unforgivable events that so recently overtook our glorious Party. The disgraceful Senate scandal — there is no other way to describe it — and countless other nefarious acts of my Government, have flouted our Parliamentary traditions and stained our national character. It is obvious to me, as it must be to you, that government by fiat cannot and should not continue in our fair nation. Canadians deserve better. We all deserve better. Accordingly, I offer you, and all Canadians, my sincerest apology and my personal assurance that if re-elected with another majority, our Party will never again indulge in similar acts of petty selfishness and self-aggrandizement. You have my word on this.

Marginal note: Good work, Scott – nice rhythm, almost lyrical in fact. Certainly contrite, but perhaps a bit over the top. Not sure I could pull this off without laughing. Leave it with me.

CPC Conv. Draft #2

My friends, chers amis. Once again our Party, the Founding Party of Canada, meets to review our successes, reaffirm our values, and revitalize the platform that will lead us to an even more glorious future. As you know, the past few months have tested our core values and found them more appropriate than ever to the times. Despite the unrelenting thuggery of tax-and-spend Liberals and separatist Socialists, we have stood united behind our principles. There is no need to review the tremendous strides we have made in economic stability and job growth, in strengthening our military forces and security agencies, and in increasing transparency and accountability. Our record speaks for itself. However, like everyone in this room, I too have heard the clarion call of the Canadian people for change. That’s why I have put our highly respected colleague, Pierre Poilievre, in charge of sweeping democratic reform. Reform is clearly what the Canadian people want, and Reform is what they’ll get.

Marginal note: Scott, I’ve made a few changes. Give it the once-over and let me know what you think. Just don’t change anything.

Stephen Harper makes a joke

Pierre Poilievre named Minister of State for Democratic Reform.

A Place to Call Home

NEWSFLASH!

CBC News is reporting that as innumerable Conservative scandals became public in the month of May, Stephen Harper, leader of Canada’s Foundling Party, quietly applied to 21 nations for political asylum.

According to recordings obtained via an unnamed source within the U. S. National Security Agency, Mr. Harper told a trusted advisor he suddenly felt “like an unwelcome stranger within my own kingdom. I just can’t believe there are those in the Conservative Party who act without my permission, who say things publicly that I did not approve. This is not the autocracy I signed up for.”

The news network further reports that Mr. Harper’s plea for asylum outside Canada fell largely on deaf ears. When President Obama was informed of the unusual request, he apparently laughed out loud and said, “That’ll be the day.”

On a more positive note, President Nicolas Maduro said Venezuela would welcome anyone, even a clinical sociopath, who is oppressed by the repugnant imperialistic pipeline policies of the capitalist lapdogs in the United States.

Benjamin Netanyahu was conditionally positive, but indicated that his State would consider the application only if Harper promised John Baird would never set foot in Israel again.

Most other countries turned down the asylum request because, as they put it, “Mr. Harper categorically refused to say please.”

Trafficking on The Hill

As President of the Parliament Hill Driving School, I am pleased to announce that our company is now offering two new courses to our growing customer base in the House of Commons.

Our exciting new courses are as follows:

The Mulcair Momentum Course

Taught in an unapologetically aggressive style, The Mulcair Momentum Course focuses on effective braking techniques. We will spend most of the course understanding and practising the proper operation of automotive foot pedals. The watchword here is “Stop means stop.”

Any student who opts for the special, two-day remedial course will also receive detailed instruction in the use of polite, indoor voices and, upon request, how to extract a foot from a mouth.

The Maxime Bernier Memory Expansion Course

Is your life overly busy? Do you find that you can’t always remember where you left your keys or important documents? Then this is the course for you.

Before being allowed behind the wheel, students will be treated to an extensive battery of psychological tests to determine their current level of cognitive awareness. Once their true level of impairment has been identified, they will then be taught memory improvement methods modelled on the technique of mindless repetition employed so successfully in Conservative caucus meetings. Please note that obeying the law will be stressed throughout this challenging course.

Owing to increasing demand, the Parliament Hill Driving School is also pleased to announce that we now offer a beginner’s Orientation Course to members of the Senate. Enrol during the summer recess, and as a special bonus we will include, at no extra charge, a pick-up and drop-off service at the residence of your choice.

Some course costs may be covered by your employer — ask for details.

Split that personality!

The NSA records a private PMO conversation

Harper: I just read that Tom Flanagan called me secretive, suspicious, vindictive and ruthless. He’s what I call a real pal, but lately I’ve been hearing that not every Canadian voter gets my good points like he does. Anyway, it’s got me thinking that we need to play the underdog card during the summer recess.

Unknown staffer: I’m not sure I understand, Sir.

Harper: All the little people riding on my coat-tails have screwed up. Mind you, they did it royally, as Conservatives should. Anyway, if we’re going to win big in 2015, voters need to see me as an ordinary wretched Canadian who suffers from fools just like they do. I can no longer afford to look perfect all the time. Get out there and stir up some public pity for me.

Unknown staffer: How do we do that?

Harper: Come on, is it really so hard? Tell them that my Lululemon pants have split again. Post an obituary of my cat. Say that I’m worried about my close relationship with my rebellious teenagers, and that we hardly ever shake hands anymore. And while you’re at it, throw in a crumb or two about valuing public opinion.

Unknown staffer: I’m sorry to hear about your cat, Sir. I didn’t know.

Harper: [audible sigh] One more thing. Make sure every Canadian understands that all these months of scandal have taken a serious emotional toll on me. Do we still have that photo of me pretending to look hurt at the caucus meeting? But don’t make me too real. Don’t overdo it. I don’t want anyone thinking I’m one of those depressed losers who’s stopped taking his medicinal Mary Jane.

Unknown staffer: Public engagement via personality reset. Brilliant! It makes you sound like Justin Trudeau on steroids.

Harper: Why is it that every time I’m in a good mood, you have to go and spoil it?

The Free Ride is Over

In a release to the media, Prime Minister Stephen Harper has said that Canadians will no longer have unrestricted access to federal representatives and services.

“As you know, the Opposition parties in the House of Commons continue to obstruct the Conservative Party’s progressive business agenda with ridiculous requests for consultation and input.”

“Their unacceptable interference in the affairs of Harper Canada has now reached the point where the Harper Government is obliged to spend significantly to defend its record, even where it has none.”

“Regrettably, our dismissal of all Commissionaires guarding top-secret military bases has not produced the savings we need to mount a credible campaign against the Opposition.”

“Therefore, to pay for more expensive television ads during the hockey semi-finals, I have today instructed my officials to take a leaf from our good friends in the online media and institute a paywall for all government services.”

“Going forward, any Canadian wishing to contact their elected representative or avail themselves of a Harper Lifestyle Program will be required to permanently register their credit card information at the Service Canada website.”

“Fees for access will be calculated on a sliding scale. Of course some things will remain free. It will cost nothing, for example, for Canadians to hear John Baird go on about something. As you know, we believe in value-based pricing. Other charges will be modest. For instance, we will charge only a twoonie to apply for a passport since they aren’t worth much anymore.”

“I will of course remain as accessible as I have always been.”

Depression grips Conservative caucus

“Caucus is horrifically depressed. They are more depressed than angry,” said one Conservative insider, who did not want to be identified. “It’s hurting the government, it’s a distraction. It’s hurting the Conservative brand and the party more than the government because it’s a fundamental to who we are as Conservatives. It’s a blow to the brand because we actually care. We came to Ottawa to fix this.”

— Bea Vongdouangchanh, writing in The HillTimes, May 27, 2013

Senator Pamela Wallin — “Of course they’re all against me, but I won’t go back to live in Saskatchewan. They can’t make me.”

Senator Patrick Brazeau — “Someone with no skills, no ability — someone like me — has no business being here.”

The Honourable Peter McKay — “No, I don’t want to go up in another jet. You can’t make me.”

Prime Minister Stephen Harper — “Look, I said get out. Can’t you see I just want to be left alone?”

The Honourable Jason Kenney — “Fine, if they want to come to Canada that much, let them. I just don’t care anymore.”

Senator Mike Duffy — “What time did you say the cafeteria opens?”

The Crockatteer speaks out

Joan (@Crockatteer) Crockatt, the rookie Member of Parliament who almost failed to win a safe Calgary seat last fall because she forgot to campaign, reflects on yesterday’s Conservative caucus meeting:

“I was so excited to be there. I mean, like, in his actual presence and all. Wasn’t he masterful? I mean, you know, really, really masterful? Even though you could tell he was very upset.”

“But whoa, the way the leader shamed the entire Conservative caucus without, actually, you know, naming names. So no one person or individual would feel bad, yet the entire country would realize the serious gravity of what may possibly, but not too likely, have transpired. After all, Duffy has told us he did nothing that merits criticism.”

“But to get back to my point. Listening to Stephen makes me realize how fortunate — no, privileged — we are to live in a country where bothersome political distractions have no impact whatsoever on the bigger picture because of our constitutional right to run up and then pay our accumulated debts without fear or favour, and to resign or recuse or refuse whenever need be, in order to do the right thing. We can and we shall convince all Canadians of the truth of this. I know we can and we shall, because Jeffrey Simpson is absolutely right when he says our party is a party of salesmen, not statesmen.”

“Let me tell you, after today everyone realizes that ethical, open, transparent and accountable government is more than a passing phrase in Harper’s Canada.”

“After our little get-together, over a glass of a really lovely Chardonnay (just enough buttery oak), someone asked me how someone who had studied strategic thinking at the London School of Economics (that’s me!!) would sum up the gathering. All I could think of was that it reminded me (as I’ve tweeted) of the memorable time when my colleague (and now close friend) Tony Clement was asked why he had used blue on his website, he replied ‘it was the best color.’ That about says it all, doesn’t it? I mean, there’s just no way Tony or, for that matter, any of us, are in over his head.”