The Free Ride is Over

6 Jun

In a release to the media, Prime Minister Stephen Harper has said that Canadians will no longer have unrestricted access to federal representatives and services.

“As you know, the Opposition parties in the House of Commons continue to obstruct the Conservative Party’s progressive business agenda with ridiculous requests for consultation and input.”

“Their unacceptable interference in the affairs of Harper Canada has now reached the point where the Harper Government is obliged to spend significantly to defend its record, even where it has none.”

“Regrettably, our dismissal of all Commissionaires guarding top-secret military bases has not produced the savings we need to mount a credible campaign against the Opposition.”

“Therefore, to pay for more expensive television ads during the hockey semi-finals, I have today instructed my officials to take a leaf from our good friends in the online media and institute a paywall for all government services.”

“Going forward, any Canadian wishing to contact their elected representative or avail themselves of a Harper Lifestyle Program will be required to permanently register their credit card information at the Service Canada website.”

“Fees for access will be calculated on a sliding scale. Of course some things will remain free. It will cost nothing, for example, for Canadians to hear John Baird go on about something. As you know, we believe in value-based pricing. Other charges will be modest. For instance, we will charge only a twoonie to apply for a passport since they aren’t worth much anymore.”

“I will of course remain as accessible as I have always been.”

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