Split that personality!

21 Jun

The NSA records a private PMO conversation

Harper: I just read that Tom Flanagan called me secretive, suspicious, vindictive and ruthless. He’s what I call a real pal, but lately I’ve been hearing that not every Canadian voter gets my good points like he does. Anyway, it’s got me thinking that we need to play the underdog card during the summer recess.

Unknown staffer: I’m not sure I understand, Sir.

Harper: All the little people riding on my coat-tails have screwed up. Mind you, they did it royally, as Conservatives should. Anyway, if we’re going to win big in 2015, voters need to see me as an ordinary wretched Canadian who suffers from fools just like they do. I can no longer afford to look perfect all the time. Get out there and stir up some public pity for me.

Unknown staffer: How do we do that?

Harper: Come on, is it really so hard? Tell them that my Lululemon pants have split again. Post an obituary of my cat. Say that I’m worried about my close relationship with my rebellious teenagers, and that we hardly ever shake hands anymore. And while you’re at it, throw in a crumb or two about valuing public opinion.

Unknown staffer: I’m sorry to hear about your cat, Sir. I didn’t know.

Harper: [audible sigh] One more thing. Make sure every Canadian understands that all these months of scandal have taken a serious emotional toll on me. Do we still have that photo of me pretending to look hurt at the caucus meeting? But don’t make me too real. Don’t overdo it. I don’t want anyone thinking I’m one of those depressed losers who’s stopped taking his medicinal Mary Jane.

Unknown staffer: Public engagement via personality reset. Brilliant! It makes you sound like Justin Trudeau on steroids.

Harper: Why is it that every time I’m in a good mood, you have to go and spoil it?

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