Trafficking on The Hill

24 Jun

As President of the Parliament Hill Driving School, I am pleased to announce that our company is now offering two new courses to our growing customer base in the House of Commons.

Our exciting new courses are as follows:

The Mulcair Momentum Course

Taught in an unapologetically aggressive style, The Mulcair Momentum Course focuses on effective braking techniques. We will spend most of the course understanding and practising the proper operation of automotive foot pedals. The watchword here is “Stop means stop.”

Any student who opts for the special, two-day remedial course will also receive detailed instruction in the use of polite, indoor voices and, upon request, how to extract a foot from a mouth.

The Maxime Bernier Memory Expansion Course

Is your life overly busy? Do you find that you can’t always remember where you left your keys or important documents? Then this is the course for you.

Before being allowed behind the wheel, students will be treated to an extensive battery of psychological tests to determine their current level of cognitive awareness. Once their true level of impairment has been identified, they will then be taught memory improvement methods modelled on the technique of mindless repetition employed so successfully in Conservative caucus meetings. Please note that obeying the law will be stressed throughout this challenging course.

Owing to increasing demand, the Parliament Hill Driving School is also pleased to announce that we now offer a beginner’s Orientation Course to members of the Senate. Enrol during the summer recess, and as a special bonus we will include, at no extra charge, a pick-up and drop-off service at the residence of your choice.

Some course costs may be covered by your employer — ask for details.

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