Follow the leader

17 May

Andrew MacDougall, Director of Communications in the Prime Minister’s Office, has issued the following statement with respect to the controversy about the financial claims and reporting of certain Senators.

“Recent attempts to act ethically have proven extremely distracting to members of the Conservative caucus. The Harper Government views this matter seriously and is taking immediate steps to curtail any further attempts at such behaviour.”

“As already reported in the media, Senator Mike Duffy has resigned from the Conservative caucus, effective immediately. We applaud his leadership and would recommend his course of action to any number of other Party members who must, for reasons of personal privacy, remain anonymous.”

“Reputable, yet unnamed sources have informed the Harper Government that Senator Duffy is only the most recent caucus member to fall victim to what appears to be an outbreak of irrational behaviour. Other examples included Patrick Brazeau, Bev Oda, Peter McKay, Maxime Bernier — I could go on.”

“More specifically, these individuals appear to have been stricken by what is called the Contagion Theory of Mass Behaviour. My limited understanding of the theory is that weak-willed individuals sometimes come under the hypnotic influence of an irrational leader. The contagion then grows among the individuals until an entire crowd of irrational, frenzied people is formed.”

“In light of this, the Harper Government is pleased to announce that we have issued a sole source contract for the exclusive services of a consortium of sociologists to determine the root causes of this objectionable behaviour. Time is of the essence of course, and in the absence of leading Canadian sociologists, we have allowed a firm owned by PMO Chief of Staff Nigel Wright to bring in temporary foreign sociologists.”

“Because of our swift action in this matter, Canadians can feel confident that no member of the Conservative caucus will be distracted by ethical issues in the future.”

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