Cabinet Containment

12 May

Ottawa was abuzz this past week because of the latest addition to Parliament Hill. We refer, of course, to the introduction of Cabinet Containers.


The idea was apparently inspired by Edmonton’s new hospital-based baby boxes. These baby boxes are today’s equivalent of leaving unwanted babies in baskets on doorsteps to be cared for by kindly strangers. In this case, the strangers are nurses.


Cabinet Containers builds on the concept of baby boxes by providing a central dumping ground for unwanted ministers from the Government of Canada. 


Prior to this made-in-Canada solution (which incidentally, may be eligible for funding under Canada’s Economic Action Plan), there was simply no convenient way to get rid of these people.


Here’s how it works.


Let’s say you live in the riding of Ottawa West-Nepean (or perhaps your name is Stephen Harper) and you feel you’ve gotten all the mileage you can out of loud-talking John Baird. No problem — just behind the Centre Block there’s a corrugated steel shipping container with his name on it. Lure him around back by promising him the Finance portfolio, toss him in, and slam the door. There, now you won’t have to listen to him stirring up trouble in the Middle East anymore. Turns out the heavy-duty containers are also remarkably good at muffling screams. 


Concerned about the welfare of your discarded ministers? Don’t be! 


Once the shouting and the banging stops, they will be humanely transported to an isolated part of Nunavut and released where they can no longer harm anyone. And thanks to the unrivalled generosity of Parliamentary pension plans, they will be well fed and clothed for the rest of their lives.


The concept is proving so popular among Canada’s over-taxed electorate that a Cells for Senators program may be coming soon.


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