Prime Minister Stephen Harper addresses The Canadian Chamber of Commerce

22 Apr

My fellow corporate citizens, I want to begin by thanking you for standing by me and the Government of Harper Canada. There seem to be fewer of you every day.

 

We’re here today to talk about our nation’s dismal economic prospects. Jim Flaherty tells me we’ve run out of government and foreign aid programs to pillage, but that does not mean our Government is also intellectually bankrupt. 

 

Lately, we have been very impressed by the bold cash-generating initiatives of our big-box business friends. Our BFFs, as I call them.

 

We are particularly taken with the Australian idea of charging retail customers a $5 “just looking” fee. Bucks from browsing — entrepreneurship at its finest. Even President Obama is thinking about charging Canadians $5 to cross the border for the privilege of buying from US stores.

 

This is brilliant. It could even make up for our stupidity in lowering the GST. 

 

In the months ahead, therefore, your Harper Government will impose similar fiscally responsible charges on Canadians. 

 

For example, anyone wishing to cash an Employment Insurance cheque will have $5 subtracted from their benefits. Anyone wishing to subscribe to a left-leaning newspaper, magazine or television channel will be hit with a special $5 levy. That levy will double should the CBC be involved. And of course anyone wishing to vote for someone other than me will have to pony up $5 first. 

 

These new Canada Economic Action Plan initiatives will give a whole new meaning to the phrase “progressive taxation”. 

 

Notwithstanding such manipulative ingenuity, there are still those Canadians who doubt the Harper Government can deliver on its vote-buying promises. Indeed, some go so far as to claim that we have no idea what we are doing. 

 

Just between us, I’d bet on the fact that we know exactly what we’re doing.

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