Pass the Pringles, please

16 Mar

Political icon and think tank guru Preston Manning recently gave an inspiring keynote address to an audience of staunch Canadian Tories on the state of Canadian conservatism.

While Manning expressed great admiration for the ingenuity of his fellow Conservatives in successfully manipulating public opinion on a wide range of issues, his analysis really seemed to find its mark when he referred to many Tories as “stupid as pigeons”.

At that juncture, however, Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird jumped to his feet, hurled his binder on Sensitivity Training at the stage, and yelled “Hey, who you calling stupid, Prestone? I’ll show you stupid.”

Once several well-armed Commissionaires had escorted the foaming Baird from the hall, a visibly shaken Manning departed from his prepared text long enough to remind the audience that he now ran a School of Practical Politics. “Our instructors can help even those with more advanced remedial needs,” he said.

Returning to his broader theme, Manning told delegates he was astonished that so many Party members and government officials keep making stupid remarks. And now they were doing it in public.

“Perhaps we need to take a page from the Girl Guide manual and institute a regular Thinking Day,” he said.

“My main point is this: if we are to stay in power endlessly, you morons need to shut up. Besides, our internal surveys show that we can achieve everything we want with simple vote rigging, something we’re very good at.”

“As Tories, I say we should all take our cue from the example of our own Prime Minister. Thanks to his tireless efforts, all Canadians now appreciate that “gag” is a word applying to so much more than hemp breakfast cereals and wheatgrass smoothies.”

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