Letter to Stephen

26 Feb

Dear Stevie,

I hope you’re well, son. You’ve certainly had quite the time of it lately, haven’t you? First this Mike Duffy Senate nonsense — did he really think he’d get away with it? It’s not like he’s invisible or anything — then the CBC whining about running your wonderful Action Plan ads on the Academy Awards. Sheer genius, that’s what that was. Why, everybody was watching! I thought the ones about your tax reforms were especially good. Did you consider running them when Downton Abbey was on as well? You might want to think about that for Season 4. Mind you, that show is more for those with our traditional family values, so I’m not sure you’d gain much political traction from buying a spot there. At least with the Academy Awards, you had a small chance to reach a few of those lefties who are stablemates of the Hollywood mafia. Cut from the same cloth they are — all coarse! Makes me itch just thinking about them. I keep hearing unsettling things about Junior Trudeau and the Liberal leadership thing. Seems he’s gaining ground everywhere. Even Ontario. Even his fellow travellers are packing it in to support him — I’m thinking of the one with the odd little European name. Sounds like a bad sneeze. You know the one I mean. Even Martha Hall Findlay, feisty little schoolmarm that she is, keeps apologizing to him. Sure looks like they’re going to crown him before they ever get to the actual election. Just like that useless Iggie. Are you ready for this boy? Now, you know I’m the last person who thinks that looks should count for much in politics — you certainly didn’t need them to win, did you — but just between us and the fencepost you have to admit Trudeau’s got sort of a charming candy-ass feral look about him. Those dimples! Makes people forget that he doesn’t stand for anything. I only say this, son, because lots of women go for dimples and hair before anything else, and we all know you’ve always had more than your fair share of challenges on the female front. Maybe talk to your stylist about a new do. The one you’re sporting still reminds me of a hockey helmet. You know it also wouldn’t hurt one bit if you got out your nice Christmas sweater and tinkled the ivories again. Did wonders for you last time. Oh, and don’t forget the cats. Just seeing you and Laureen playing with the cats brings down everyone’s blood pressure. A word of advice though — keep them off the kitchen table in the pictures. No one wants to be thinking about cat hair in their oatmeal. We’ve got enough trouble with this horse meat thing in the Ikea meatballs. Well, the bus for the mall is here so I’ve got to skedaddle. I know you’re busy righting the ship of state (and you think your mother’s got no sense of humour — ha!) but it would still be nice if you’d call once in a while.




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