On guard for thee

23 Feb

Facing mounting criticism about the Government’s lackadaisical response to Mike Duffy’s possibly illegal acceptance of a Senate housing allowance, Prime Minister Stephen Harper used the incident as a teachable moment for all Canadians.

“Look, the simple fact is that Senator Duffy had some trouble figuring out how to fill in a government form. No one believes the Senator can’t figure out whether he actually resides in Ottawa or Prince Edward Island. Members of the Opposition may call his behaviour unethical, but those mindless miscreants are once again using personal tragedy for political gain. Shame on them.”

“We see growing evidence of this tragic misunderstanding of Government form-filling throughout our population. I need hardly add that Senator Pamela Wallin is experiencing similar difficulty in figuring out whether she should claim that she lives in Saskatchewan, Toronto or Ottawa, or perhaps all three. Formaphobia, as psychologists call the affliction, is rampant. That is why my Government is working day-and-night to address the issue with the sympathy it deserves.”

“Our first step was to flood the country with Human Resources Development Canada auditors. Their sensitive mission is to meet face-to-face with Employment Insurance recipients to check on their form-filling skills. The forms recipients must complete to qualify for EI benefits are as simple as the Senate housing allowance forms, yet EI recipients keep making mistakes. This costs taxpayers hundreds of millions of dollars per year in unwarranted EI claims.”

“We expect the Opposition and others to respond to this unfortunate condition with more than criticism. Personally, I am saddened that these ill-informed critics continue to speak publicly about such an embarrassing psychological debility. Do they not have a shred of compassion for the accursed?”

“As you know, my Government believes firmly that certain matters should never be discussed openly. We thought we had made our point with the highly successful Muzzle-A-Scientist initiative in 2012. Apparently comparable measures must now be introduced to stop the relentless public bullying of disadvantaged formaphobics like Mike Duffy and Pamela Wallin. We in the Harper Government will not rest until speaking openly is a thing of the past.”

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