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7 Jan

In a remarkably frank interview broadcast nationally on New Year’s Eve, Prime Minister Stephen Harper made the stunning announcement that he has applied for, and fully expects to get, the vacant position of Governor, Bank of Canada.

The position became available when the incumbent, Mark Carney, resigned to become Governor of the Bank of England. It was widely reported that he was tired of having to make excuses for $20 bills that melt together or, on occasion, spontaneously combust.

“There are times in life when you know you must act,” said the Prime Minister of his unexpected decision. “Times when you get so fed up with your current position that you just can’t take it anymore. The minute I saw the Bank of Canada ad on Workopolis, I knew this was one of them. As you know, I’ve just about had it with the demands of ordinary Canadians. And then there’s that band of clowns I have to lead in Parliament.”

Asked whether he felt qualified for the position, the Prime Minister shrugged modestly before listing a few of his many talents and accomplishments.

“Listen, I’m an economist. I know how to count. I know how to give a boring speech. I know how to set policies that no one likes. I know how to communicate, plus ou moins, in our two official languages, although I’m still not sure we need the other one. And remember, I also have what many consider a peerless record of saying nothing about anything, which I understand is a key prerequisite for the job.”

“Of course this means I will likely have to resign my current position soon. I want to assure my fellow citizens that my front-bench friend and former leadership rival Peter McKay stands ready and willing to fill my unbelievably large shoes as Prime Minister. I am confident all Canadians will give him the support he so badly needs.”

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